Mohammed Hanif
This season, when certificates of treason, treachery, and ‘Partisan Pen’ are being distributed, why not write a prescription to keep safe from such allegations. This recipe has been prepared after rigorous research was done – means Facebook, Twitter, and writings of patriotic intellectuals are fairly reviewed. Whatever your topic is, add these ingredients; and prove your nationalism:
1.Pakistan has four seasons. There is no other country in the world which is blessed with four seasons.
2.We have oceans, deserts, and highest peaks in our country. Where else in the world?
3.Would Sharmeen Obaid Chinoy have won an Oscar, had she made a film on Pakistan’s beautiful weathers and scenic spots?
4.If a Shia is killed in Pakistan, then say ‘Why don’t you say a Muslim is killed?’ If a Hindu or Christian is killed, say ‘Why don’t you say a human being is killed?’ And if few people are killed somewhere in the world, then say ‘Muslims are getting killed everywhere’.
5.If any person raise the topic of animal rights, then say ‘A number of Muslims are being killed on daily basis and you care for cats and dogs/canines and felines’.
6.ISI is the world’s best intelligence agency, and this is an open secret. ‘Please share link’.
7.Afghanistan was in absolute peace during Taliban rule; this is why the whole world was jealous of them.
8.Bangladeshis should stop crying. There, not four hundred thousand, but only forty thousand rapes happened. In fact, according to a precise estimate, four thousand only.
9.Pakistanis are the fourth most intelligent nation in the world, so much that it is still unknown which are the top three in the list?
10.Bring Khomeini’s revolution in this country, but first get his followers dealt with.
11.Here is no lack of talent, just the politicians stripping this country of its wealth.(Use this [sore] point carefully as it could also point out that the politicians hold the biggest talent.
12.If a Mohajir, Seraiki, Sindhi, Balochi, Pathan, or Balti speaks for his language, region, or rights, then tell him that provincialism is a monster, lingual conflicts are the enemy’s agenda. Then, with your Punjabi accent/tone disguised as Urdu, pray passionately about us all becoming just Pakistani.
13.The next army chief is the most professional and brave general of the world, and the outgoing general was even more than the next-in-line.
14.Those who warn us today, after watching Game of Thrones, that ‘Winter is Coming’, tell them that Pakistani poetess Parveen Shakir had said already, long ago: ‘Ussey kehna December aa raha hai’.
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Mohammed Hanif is the author of the novels “A Case of Exploding Mangoes” and “Our Lady of Alice Bhatti,” and the librettist for the opera “Bhutto.”
Translated by Dawood ur Rehman Khawaja from the original in Urdu here.
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